I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
