I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
