I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
