my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
