I wish my penis had an off switch
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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