Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
