that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
