he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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