Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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