Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
