I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
