I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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