yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
