I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
