why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
