I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
