Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I want a musical about memes.
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