Acid is not a monday night drug
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
