I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
