dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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