ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
