I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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