he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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