ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Screwed.edu
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
