Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
