When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
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He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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