According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
