Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
