Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
