OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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