yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
