I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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