so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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