when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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