I don't think brook has ever known best
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
