New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
