The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
