I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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