matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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