god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
