apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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