he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
