I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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