i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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