I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
