is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
