I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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