just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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