I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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