Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
