Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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