Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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