when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
