so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
