Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
